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THIS SIDE OF FOREVER 333
#1
This is a song I started back in October of 15 and have been in rewrite/edit for the last couple of months.This is the closest I've been to the finish line (I hope)[Image: huh.png].



THIS SIDE OF FOREVER  
c 2015

People living on our streets
Children with no food to eat
Soul's crying for relief
This side of forever

With so many people dying
Cause they just give up trying
Wanting more than just surviving
This side of forever

Chorus

With so much sadness in this life
We need the love that God provides
It's the rule by which He measures
This side of forever

Verse

This world can never be our friend
And our soul needs to be cleansed
With an offering for our sin
This side of forever

So we're provided an escape
And Jesus Christ light's the way
With His amazing grace
This side of forever

Repeat Chorus
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#2
Looking forward to hearing this one.
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#3
Sorry can't go through whole thing but you have a great song idea...universal...God has no orphans...came to mind...

Perhaps more imagery....throughout this song....here's a few examples you can use if you wish  (something like this)...  Keep or sweep ...Neil


People living on our streets                 Children hopeless on our streets
Children with no food to eat                Scarcely find enough to eat
Soul's crying for relief                         Their souls cry for relief
This side of forever
 
With so many people dying                There are countless people dying
Cause they just give up trying             Who see no point in trying
Wanting more than just surviving        Empty lives from just surviving
This side of forever

Also the verse meter does not match from verse to verse......not hard and fast rule...just in practice...so for example, if second syllable line 3 of verse 1 is a stressed syllable, then second syllable line 3 of verse 2 should be stressed.  It is this way for every stressed and unstressed syllable in the verses for the entire song.  Not as critical in the chorus / bridge.  Keep or sweep...great start.  Neil
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#4
Love the hook man!!!
So I am casting a challenge this week to take you lyric and instead of telling us about the poor destitute help us feel and experience that poverty and destiny first hand. What does that taste like, feel like, smell like, look like when you are in it. Actually put us in their shoes so we come out feeling tasting it smelling it seeing it ourselves. in it!!!
Follow through with the same idea for all verses. I challenge you!
If not with this gong because you feel so close to the finish line on this one, what about a new song tackling the same subjects and verses. Then compare the two when you are done and see which is most effective!

Called to, "Teach the word of the Lord; sing it to the nations loud and clear."
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#5
(02-04-2016, 07:20 PM)Sarah Noll Wrote: Love the hook man!!!
So I am casting a challenge this week to take you lyric and instead of telling us about the poor destitute help us feel and experience that poverty and destiny first hand.   What does that taste like, feel like, smell like, look like when you are in it.  Actually put us in their shoes so we come out feeling tasting it smelling it seeing it ourselves.  in it!!!  
Follow through with the same idea for all verses.  I challenge you!  
If not with this gong because you feel so close to the finish line on this one, what about a new song tackling the same subjects and verses.  Then compare the two when you are done and see which is most effective!

Thank's everyone for the comments.You've given me a lot to think about.Thank's Sarah for the challenge.I'll try to do it with this song but since I have the melody already worked out I don't know if it will work.But if not then I'll try it on a new song.Thank's again.Blessings,Chris
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#6
And our soul needs to be cleansed

With an offering for our sin

This is awfully nitpicky, but this has already happened. Know what you're saying but publishers are incredibly nitpicky.
Having said that, I love what you're saying and how you're saying it.
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